Drifting

Tonight, as I sat on the train waiting for it to leave Penn Station in Newark, I looked out the window and watched the people on the platform.  There is always such an interesting mix of people – trains from NY and other states going to and from, people coming from work, tourists coming from the city, people rushing home to all parts of the state to be with family.   There was a man in a suit reading a paper standing next to a teenage girl in flip flops talking on a cell phone.  A man in baggy jeans and a basketball tee standing next to a woman in a suit with a briefcase looking impatiently at her watch as she stared down the track. 

As I sat there staring, I noticed

a young couple….talking, laughing and completely oblivious to the people around them.

a mother with a small boy – holding his hand, and looking distracted and tired – but who looked down and smiled this amazing smile at her child when he said something to her.

a young woman talking to another – excited about whatever they were talking about.

And I started feeling old.   I remember when all of these people were me.   But not anymore. I feel …middle aged.  Tired.  Adrift.  I feel like I’m at a complete crossroad in my life.  I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but it’s starting to ….weigh on my mind.  I think it started when I had to fill out an online form at work saying what I wanted to do in my next job at the company.  One of the fields on the form was my anticipated retirement date – and it was in 20 years.  Another 20 years to work?  At this type of job?  I just can’t see that.

So I think about my …

Job – I like my job.  I like the money.  And I like the life it gives me.  But I just can’t see doing this for another 20 years.  How boring.  If I think back 20 years, I realize how much my work life has changed.  I want to be able to do the same thing in 20 years – look back and realize how different it is.    I want to do something a little more meaningful.  Something that I’m just completely passionate about.  And while I like writing contracts – it’s a bit hard to be passionate about termination clauses.  Even good ones.  And come on, didn’t your eyes glaze over a bit just reading “termination clauses”?

Kids – growing up, moving on.  Which is good – really.  I’m so proud and happy that they are becoming independent.  But I need to learn how to have a new relationship with them.  Mom but yet….adult child mom.  Just sort of a relevant irrelevance…does that make sense?  Love me because I’m their mom, but just not central to them anymore.

Marriage – good marriage.  Larry is my best friend, and I love spending time with him – except now we seem to be busy with our own hobbies/lives more and more.  We used to do everything together.  And now it’s different.  I miss those days where the world faded to the background when I was with him.  Where I couldn’t wait to be with him, and didn’t want to do anything else.  I know things change – but at the same time, I can’t help but feel they shouldn’t have changed this much.

Age –I’m 45 – and that is more than half way through my life (how depressing is this blog tonight?)  I mean what are the chances that I’ll live to 90?  I did smoke for almost 30 years (I know, amazingly stupid right  – started at 16 and just quit this year…sigh…) so there isn’t a huge chance I’ll live to be a ripe old age.  So I look at people in their 20’s and 30’s and I’m a little envious of where they are – so much ahead of them.  And yet…I think that I still have a lot ahead of me.  I mean – 20 years ago I was 25, had a baby and was just starting out.  And here I am today.  So it’s possible that the same level of massive change is possible in the next 20 years.  I just need to get over this feeling that my life is behind me. 

So I realize more and more that I need to make a change.  Or some changes.  Big changes.  That I need to do something different.  That I can’t see myself working in a corporate life forever.  That I need to do something that I’m excited about.   Something I’m passionate about.  Live somewhere different.  Be someone different.  And that change is good – and that its not crazy to completely redefine my life and change direction. 

But what?

Tonight its socks.  Lisa Souza yarn.  More on this later.

But I think soon, it’s going to be a lot more.  Not sure what …still planning some things.  I need to really decide what I want to do next – all I can say – I want it to be different than what I do now.  I need to be something different.